Parenting, the NLP way!

I am sure you are a parent or definitely a to be parent and looking for some tools to be a successful parent. Being a parent is absolutely not an easy task, isn’t it? And you are not alone here. I too was on this most important job but without proper training. I Googled a lot those days and read lot of books on Parenting. Some were useful and some were not. And I suppose most of the first time parents have the same experience. And the best option I found was to model some who were already parents and take the best from each of their experiences. I promise you, as you read through the below lines, I will leave you with some key NLP tools to take charge of being highly appreciated and effective parent. Does that sound interesting?

1.   Be a Child first to become a Parent

As a parent it is extremely important that we are able to look at the world through the eyes of our children. See what they are seeing, hear what they are hearing and feel what they are feeling. For example, watching their favourite TV programme, listening to their favourite music, laughing with them at every moment  in life. You might have to deal away with those thrilling India- Pakistan cricket matches and watch Chota Bheem and Doraemon instead, miss those bollywood hits and listen to the nursery rhymes and even become a horse with the child on your back and take a round in the entire room.  This bonding is very important so that the child feels comfortable with the Parent. The child will be groomed to be less hesitant to share their feelings and thoughts  with the Parent in future.

2. Learn the Children Language

As a parent you need to be a good communicator. Yes! you need to learn the language, the language to communicate with the child and  every child learns all aspects about communication from those people who are in charge of them from birth. The responsibility of communicating with your child lies with you as the parent.

When you interact with your children, be aware that your communication is not only verbal. The influences in percentage terms are : Verbal: 7% only, Tonality: 38%, Physiology: 55% ( Based on NLP ( Neuro Linguistic Programming findings ). Infact,  what you say has a very small impact compared to the tone you use and how you actually use your body to communicate. So, when you communicate with your children be fully present in the moment giving 100% attention to the child. Be aware of how you use your hands to handle your children and that every single touch has a feeling connected with it whether it is a loving caress or conveying a message to the child. What is your touch conveying to your children? Is it love, uncertainty, fear, weakness, excitement or anger?

So if you say something to your child and he/she seems to misunderstand you, do not blame your child. Just think of a different way you can communicate the same thing until your child understands you. Children like stories and the best way to give a message is through the moral of the story then it may be of Akbar and Birbal or Cinderella.

3. Handle your Child’s Emotions Smartly.

Take a moment and reflect on how you react when your children misbehave. How do you respond when there is a conflict between you and your child? Is this response appropriate and in proportion to the situation at hand? More importantly is this response working for you? If not then isn’t it time to try something different?

One day  my daughter came back from school in a bad mood. She was being quite rude. As a parent I could have done several things. I could have scolded her and sent her off to her room for example. What I chose to do was this:

As I spoke to my daughter as I embraced her very tightly and gave her a kiss. I could feel her tension instantly leave her body. We then sat and talked about what happened at school to put her in such a bad mood. At the end of our conversation I could feel that she was quiet relaxed.

4. Check on your Actions – Children are much more than their Behaviour

Children do what they do to get your attention and getting a parent’s attention for a negative behaviour is better than getting no attention at all. As a parent, think how you can give your children that attention without the need for unacceptable behaviour.

We all want to bring up confident children with high self-esteem, yet sometimes the manner we use to discipline our children can cause damage to their self worth. What helps here is to keep the end outcome in mind especially when you are punishing your child for unacceptable behaviour. Think what specifically you want your child to learn or pay attention to when disciplining them and check whether that specific form of discipline achieves the outcome you have in mind. For example slapping your son for hitting his sister does not teach him that physical violence is unacceptable because you are committing the very thing you’re telling him not to do.

You love your child so much that you are ready to almost do anything for your child. Then why tend to accept only the child but not their behaviour.  So next time, instead of telling your screaming child “you are a naughty boy/ girl”, you say instead “ I love you but I don’t like the way you are behaving right now”.

Avoid using common phrases like “You can’t…” or “Because I said so…”, parents are consciously or unconsciously creating perception filters in children. However, these filters often work against parents, producing undesirable results and many times limiting the ability of children for learning and personal growth.

Few words to conclude..

Remember that as a parent you are human and humans make mistakes. When things go wrong, recognize that, learn from the mistake and see what you can do differently next time. Forgive yourself and try again. Keep on trying until getting it right becomes second nature. Listen to your children and use their comments as feedback. It is amazing what you can learn about yourself from the mouths of your own children. They teach you the meaning of unconditional love.

So, let aside the mobile phone and unplug your TV and focus on your words, your tone, your body language and your behaviour . Inculcate those important values in your child. Be the most passionate parent you have always desired.